I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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