Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
