meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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