He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
