Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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