11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
