Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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