Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
