I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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