I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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