Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
