My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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