my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My dick has a subreddit
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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