I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
