there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
how drunk are you?
Several
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
