cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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