so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
