the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
