Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
