This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
