I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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