My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
