i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
