at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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