i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
