I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
