3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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