Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
