I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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