Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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