U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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