eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there was a trapeze. enough said
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
