just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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