I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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