People with herpes should wear stickers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
