This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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