Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
