Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
