How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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