We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
