Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
