it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
