remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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