The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
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Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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