I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
