I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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