is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
