Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just gift wrapped bread.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
