It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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