I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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