I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
