I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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