well I can't set my house on fire every night
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
