Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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