The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
