there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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