It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
