There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
